Thursday, February 06, 2003, 2.33pm..
So this is why, as i turned 39 yesterday, i'm writing down my thoughts and recollecting past failures and successes, trying to recapture the energy and zest that seem to be eluding me the past few years in the midst of personal tribulations and continuously economic slowdowns. I know I can pull through out of this maze yet again, but somehow, I've been out of focus way too long. I need to get out from this fiasco. I need to be fully back standing on my feet. It all depends on me now. Yes, on my own small shoulders..
Do I still want this? Do I still have the dream? Do I still have the goals? Do I still have the focus? Do I still have the support? I'm just feeling tired of all the stress..
But somehow that doesn't sound right. I've failed and survived all the financial hardships. I've failed and survived all the personal tribulations. I've admitted to negligence and overcame my poor health regimes. I should be in tip-top conditions to face another decade of life. But why am I still not feeling on top of the world??? Why am I thinking of giving the past 10 valuable years of my life away??? What kind of life do I hope to have now anyway??
Sharing my inner thoughts and publicly declaring my inner turmoils is my last resort towards finding myself yet again. This complacency doesn't make me feel good at all. I should still be running around and getting excited about new challenges. Where is my zest? Where is my tenacity? Where is my dream? Where is my motivation? Where is my strength??
I will go to sleep tonight hoping to get some clear answers and directions. If I didn't know how to swim ten years ago, yet I survived the currents.. then I should be ready for some serious swimming competitions now. If I started the business from scratch ten years ago, yet survived the hurdles, hiccups, bumps and various other distractions.. then I should be wise & strong enough to overcome new obstacles..
I hope to re-discover my simple dream tonight..
february 06, 2003..